Venus and Void Stories, Advice, Etc.

Spring Break Survival Tips

 Everything you need to know about break (but were afraid I would tell you) This document should be required reading for anyone planning on attempting the spring break ritual. I have not referenced anything that follows because I can never remember which spring break was which. Here is the minimum you need:1) cleats - obviously 2) a road disk - this will also be your plate 3) a pot - not a good one, it will be black from the fire forever 4) mustard - lots of it, frenchy's, everyone should bring their own stash 5) a spoon - you have an opposable thumb, no need to eat like an animal 6) void/venus t-shirt - if you expect any playing time 7) the cooler - it's a lawn chair that holds beer! 8) floppy hat - I never had one but Lee always looked so cool, I covet his hat 9) 2 lighters - one will always be lost at any given time 10) your rapier-like wit - 28 hours of driving can get tedious, also bring your ego 11) your Circle K tape collection - I'm just sucking up to Geoff here 12) a bandana - good for your head and for restraining rookies 13) all the funk you can muster - Stevie G can expound on this, you will need it for the parties 14) a marker - to write "show us your tits" on the back of a disc to show to chicks on the road, they really dig this (so does Jimmy Liao, ed.)If you are a millionaire and want to show off to everyone, you should take:1) your own bingo card marker 2) your own shuffle board equipment. Things you don't need:1) condoms - after you hear the stories of Frank and the Met's Spring Training groupy, you won't want to think about sex for a long, long time. You will also want a new hairbrush 2) sunscreen - no one has ever gotten a sunburn on spring break 3) contact lenses - well, I guess take them if you really need them, just be aware that someone may drink them in South Carolina 4) lawn chairs - yea, everyone likes lawnchairs, but is it worth having sit smashed up next to Paco for several hours so you can make room for the lawnchair? 5) trashbags - you rental car is a moving trashbag, remember to hang fruit rinds from the visors like they are some rotting air fresheners 6) school work - you may feel that you need to do work over break but think about it, most of the people in the south are stupid as hell, and for a reason. The brain fails to function properly south of virginia (also within the city limits of DC apparently). You may believe that you are getting work done but it is actually counter-productive to study over break. I have data to prove this.Things to do:1) make a fool of your waiter - you will know you have succeeded if you can get him to dip his tie in a glass of milk for a dollar 2) pierce your ear - if it is not already pierced, get your ear pierced in the back of someone's car some night when you are really drunk -- it makes for a good story later on ()3) commandeer things - if the flag really is lost, find another (and it is so, we need one, ed.) also, as much as some people were pissed off, "borrowing" that little lawn statue for our campsite when we were in the keys was one of the funniest things that has ever been done 4) rent a boat - chris is right, it is pricey but a lot of fun 5) see who can tell the shortest joke in the longest amount of time - no one will ever beat lefkopuppy but there is no harm in trying 6) pull off the road and dance whenever hotel california is played - dance like a crazy fool at the joy of once again hearing this classic 7) sell lots of discs - rookies, when you are vets, you will only be able to enjoy making rookies sell discs if you can claim to be the greatest disc-seller of all time 8) lose horatios tent bag - he will whine about this forever 9) make up nicknames - fatboy and cog both were named on break. I'm sure that there are others but those are shining examples of the quality nicknames that can best be produced in drunken/drug-crazed stupors. Be careful though, fatboy was almost named action jackson on that same break, proving that insipid nicknames are also possible 10) visit lee's grandparents - they are a lovely couple and will make you fresh-squeezed oj! 11) go watch a little league game - ahh, the true meaning of baseball - parents bitching about how the coach's son gets too much playing time and coaches screaming at little kids 12) go watch a spring training game - try to start the wave, sing "take me out to the ballgame" at the top of you lungs with your shirt off. Watch as the bedazzled Floridians take pictures of you making such a spectacle 13) make a list of good radio stations - on the way down, in geographical order, compile a list of good radio stations so that you can reference the list on the way back up the coast, lose this list when you get to Florida, make another list on the way back north, lose this when you get to Philly, repeat this every year 14) get pissed off at frank and wander off for about a day - this is great fun because everyone gets all upset and worried. I don't remember who it was who did this but she also wanted to have hypothetical sex with her hypothetical kayak instructorAdvice:1) flashlights - you are going to take one, I know, and I can't stop you. Do not point it at the fire. Do not point it at someone's face to see who they are. Do not point it at the fire. Do point it at the ground. 2) put oil in your car - some people don't know that cars need oil as well as gas (obviously this doesn't apply to rentals) 3) don't let punks from NJ pump gas - unless you don't like the gascap that comes with your car 4) do not let fatboy drive - no matter how tired you are, no matter how close you are to your destination, he will try to drive off a cliff and claim that it is your fault for making him drive 5) do not let gabe drive - he has no concept of that empty/ full gauge on the dashboard and will try to scuttle the car on the most remote stretch of highway in the everglades make sure that someone semi-sober is with you at all times - you won't know how much fun you had unless someone can tell you stories about what you did 6) don't go to Daytona - this should go without saying but it has been tried. I don't remember all of the details but there were injuries and broken glass, I believe. This was also the root cause of that stupid action jackson nickname 7) do not go running - laura and dave pomper(?) tried this and were caught on 700 mile bridge in the middle of a downpour and were almost washed away.  Take the following recipes(from "Lee and Dave survive for a week on $20 food money"):
LeeGynns of Doom Mac'n'Cheese
Ingredients:
mac n cheese (generic, not kraft)
tomatoe
beer
mustard

To do: Warm the mac and tomatoe in the pot over the pathetic fire that you build. Make sure that the water never reaches a boil (this shouldn't be a problem, we could never get the water to boil). Once you get too hungry to wait any longer, scoop the ashes from the fire out of the lukewarm water and drain the water (making sure to scald yourself somehow). Mix the cheese powder into the gummy mac and use beer in place of the milk that is supposedly required. Now pour on tons of mustard to give the congealed mass some zing. Force down about 4 spoonfuls and feed the rest to the racoons.  Note: racoons also like to eat vomit and are not afraid of being hit by a disc.

LeeGynns of Doom Cheese Sandwiches
Ingredients:
individually wrapped cheesettes (generic, not kraft)
bread
beer
mustard

To do: Make a cheese sandwich (note: use the cheese, bread,and mustard). Eat it and enjoy the beer. Declare that it is the greatest meal of all time and buy two loaves of bread and 50 more slices of cheese. Sit on the bread on the way back to the campsite and put the cheese in the cooler. Next time you eat, try to make a sandwich with the smashed bread and thenow waterlogged cheese. Drink the mustard straight from the bottle. Alternate: Get a bunch of people to go to the supermarket. Send one person to get a loaf of bread and have everyone else go to the deli counter. Each person asks for 2 slices of ham. Have the bread person hand out bread to everyone, make sandwiches, and eat in the checkout line. Pass around a bag of chips if you are hungry. Have the checkout girl ring up the empty bread bag anddeli packs. If you are daring, drink your beer in line too. Hope this helps,Gynnger (rhymes with Orange)(Back to top.)

Van Pelt

So, I'm on College Green, minding my own business, and throwing, as I usually did every day in college. In fact, I can all but guarantee that I spent more time throwing tha physically in class. Well, throwing out freshman year, misguided as I was, and including all time actually spent talking to other ultimate players about such diverse topics as, say, throwing. Those conditions met, then I can guartee that whole class/throwing relationship. But I digress. So I'm on College Green, minding my own business, when it becomes imperative, that we stand at the back of the Green and throw discs through the peace symbol. Now, this is where it gets fuzzy. I'm sure J Tomes was there, and I remember John Darling being there, even though he was a: 1) Penn student, 2) college eligible, and 3) not on the Void. The third part accompanying me on this excursion was, I think, Tom Shin, but damn if I can't remember. I associate Tom with this because I know at some point he was really good at throwing through that damn old peace sign. He may still be good at it, perhaps even better, but there's no guarantee it was him. Anyway, I am not, as most people who hhave played with me know all too well, a very accurate thrower. I was always on the Void for my more...athletic qualities. And by athletic, I mean sense of humor. So, needless to say, eventually, all the discs ended up on what has been known since the 70's as Van Pelt library. And, more importantly, the impenetrable fortress known as the "Ledge above Rosengarten." So there are three Void guys with no discs. And at some point Gayle comes along and makes several good suggestions, but I don't remeber when, and I don't remeber what, so I'll just go on the record now as saying "good suggestions were made at some point by Gayle." End of story. Well, not exactly. See, many years before, Frank Yue had attempted to climb, yes, climb, Van Pelt, to get to the ledge, and Frank Yue, sadly, had failed. And those who know Frank well can tell you that this is a sad sight. Personally, I don't know Frank that well, but I bet it would be. Anyway, spurred by Frank's determination and an exhortation by other members of the posse, I decided, "oh, yeah, climbing up to that ledge to get those discs is a GOOD IDEA." Unbelievably, somehow, I made it. I can't imagine how. I do know John Darling is tall, and that must have played a role in it, and there were some benches involved, butthe next thing I now, I'm spending a lovely (riiiight) afternoon on the ledge of Van Pelt library, because, quite frankly, I couldn't get down...Sure, I got the discs, and eventually got down, but the mark that I thought would last forever was the sign I affixed to the window outside of the "reading room" chairs, reading, of course: "Word to Lehmann's mom." The sign had been removed by morning. -- - Mitch

____________________________

This is Tom, and yeah, it was me there. The only other thing I remember from that day was that, at some point, in figuring out how to get Mitch up on the ledge, we (posse including Gayle) had turned into the A-Team. I think J Tomes became Hannibal Smith and said "I love it when a plan comes together" at least a couple of times. As far as who became B.A. Baracus, the Face Man, and "Howling Mad" Murdock, who knows. And Gayle was that legitimate chick who hung out with them from time to time for group sex. Until the next tale - Col. Decker t
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A Tale of Biblical Proportions

 So... I am heading back from a tournament (I think it was Spring Sectionals 96, but someone else should verify this). Kareem is driving, Ternus is right behind him, I'm next to Ternus in the backseat, and Jared is riding shotgun with the Koran (that's important). So we're driving along some stretch of some highway that should be taking us back to Philly. We all probably played hard or something, or maybe it was the Schaefer and moon waffles, but we all knew we were tired. Well, we knew Ternus was tired because he was the first one to go. Seeing Ternus all curled up and dreaming about multiplayer Marathon and his patented "spin move" got me thinking that sleep may not be a bad idea. Realizing that I was not riding shotgun, and, therefore, I did not need to be awake for any reason, I joined Ternus in Slumberland. Everything was fine (as far as I knew) until I felt my body suddenly jerk over towads the driver's side of the car, and then, just as suddenly, slam back into the door on my side. Our blissful sleep having been torn away from us, both Ternus and I (and Jared--to be explained later), turned to Kareem to find out just what the hell had happened. His only response, "I think maybe someone else should drive now." Why? What had happened to force Kareem out of the driver's seat? Was it another car? Dead body in the road? Nope, nothing of the sort, in fact. It seems that Jared, at some point, noticed Ternus and I asleep in the backseat. In his (probably) drunken stupor, he realized that the two of us were on to something. Kareem was a perfectly competent rookie, and besides, Jared was a soon-to-be captain emeritus; he figured he could just rest..his...eyes...for....a...... Well, it turns out Kareem did not want to be left out of the fun. This being his first year out of CMU and into the Void, he wanted to make sure he fit in at every step of the way (SEE: Brown's Huck-a-Burning-Pumpkin dance floor). He must have figured the group sleep was one of the esteemed Void traditions he had heard so much about. So, in case you have not guessed by this point, Kareem went to sleep (don't forget, he was the one in the DRIVER'S seat). Colly, didn't you tell me that the Koran had some sort of role in this story? Right you are, my attentive reader. Jared, Dweezil, and I were taking an intro to Islam class that very semester (which may or may not explain why Jared had the Koran in the car). Our teacher explained that many Muslims would place little ornaments or decals in their cars with passages from the Koran written on them. These passages were supposed to protect the car and the people within the car. So, the way we figured it, after everyone had fallen asleep, the Koran must have swerved the car back and forth to jolt everyone awake. The Koran did its part to save our lives, and Kareem took over from there. Anyhoo, the lesson is: The Koran makes a great designated driver. You just may have to push the pedals for it. (Back to top.)

Spring Break 1996

So... Collie and Gayle were pretty damn bitter that they couldn't join their teammates on all of spring break because they had to work. They were able to join up with Venus and Void for Ultimax in beautiful Greensville, North Carolina, but it still wasn't the same as experiencing the entire week of debauchery. Consequently, although it was not the fault of anyone on the team that they had to work, Collie and Gayle were going to make those jerks PAY!!! The fun began that Friday night, as Collie, Gayle, and Scary drove down to Baltimore to pick up Abeer and her sister Simi. Scary started the preparations for the prank by blowing up many, many balloons. After picking up Abeer and Simi, they purchased a strobe light to enhance their plan. They cruised down I-95, blowing up balloons the whole way, until the car was quite full. The biggest challenge was gas stations. When they opened the doors they had to be careful not to lose too many balloons, although it was a kick to pull up in the clown car and have a few escape. After they finished blowing (ha ha ha), they wrote some witty things on the balloons, such as "UPinn sucks!","Irates rule", and "I love the heely-hos". Finally, they arrived in NC ready for the balloon transfer. All they needed were the keys to a rental car, any rental car. They bust in to the first room they were able to find, and started the strobe light, with Scary asking, "Are you ready to ROCK???" This of course annoyed everyone, considering it was 2 AM. They were able to find a set of keys, and then figured out through trial and error to which car in the parking lot they belonged. They moved the car next to the balloon mobile, and started the transfer of ballons, assembly-line like. The best part was the next morning, when Jared wakes up and doesn't see his rental car where he left it. He nearly crapped his pants before he realized that it had been moved! The balloons remained in the car throughout the tournament, and this became the vehicle of choice, causing many vicious rho-sham for riding in the balloon mobile rounds. (Back to top.)



Tomfoolery 1999 Part I

THE HERNANDEZ FAMILY

The Daddy:

Hector "I'm a lover, not a fighter" Hernandez

The "Legitimately" Conceived (in order of alumni status):

Mike "The Undefeated" Blackin

Boots "Kosher for Passover" Pomeranz

Howard "Clap This!" Wilkins

Victor "Senor Febrero" Guss-Van Damme

Buttboy "SPF 100 Please" Auderieth

Tom "I'm in like" Shin

Jason "Itchy Trigger Finger" Baker

Collateral "The Big New Yorker" Loughrey

Kareem "Less is" Moore

Sponsor "Beans, Beans are good for your heart" Falko

Keyur "Eveready" Trivedi

The Wave of the Future:

Meju "Coconut Macaroon" Schwartz

Jim "Gettin' Jiggy With It" Morrison

Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures:

Nicolaos "RICOLA!" Kydes - Rutgers Alump Extraordinaire

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Tomfoolery 1999 Part II

Games weren't important, but here's my take on them 5 days after the fact.

Friday 10:00 AM Game 1 vs. the Plonkers
Keith Scott, playing with Phoolmore this year who has a first round bye is a no show at 10 AM with our jerseys, so we all put on our respective Mr. Yuk, Machine, and Spank jerseys in anticipation. The Plonkers were a team from NC, supposed to be mainly Irish dudes. There were some Ring players I recognized and some dude named Cajun (a Cajun Irishman?). We showed up late and they were late as well, drinking Guinness and smoking their wacky tobaccy. They started out with around 12 dudes and by the time the game was over, they swelled to around 20. Our pregame warmup of sitting around and talking about how early it was wasn't enough to stop the Plonker Machine from grinding us into the dust 15-8.

12:00 PM Game 2 vs. Bye #1
Learning from last year, only a couple of people went over to the beer truck to get a cold frosty one. Senor Scott arrives with our Jerzees and I start collecting $10. The jerseys rock our world and I haven't taken it off since. There's tons of extras for anyone who wants. Jersey raid puts us over the hump and we win 13-12 at time cap.

2:00 PM Game 3 vs. Brownian Motion
One of the favorites to win College Nationals this year, Brown had a squad of at least 20 dudes all in those bright red jerseys. From what I heard, they had a B team playing at Haverford this same weekend. After a lot of hard running, great offensive flow, and intense D, B-Motion pulled off what would became known as "the upset of the tournament", beating us 15-6.

4:00 PM Game 4 vs. Bye #2
For some reason, we decided to leave our A game at home and lost this one relatively quickly. Psyched runs into Tom "Ironman" Coffin, who takes two XL Psyched jerseys without paying. In his mind, I think it was one jersey since I think he was going home to stitch them together to fit correctly. So, if he sends $10, I won't complain. A couple of more trips to the beer truck and then a trip to Arby's sealed the deal and we lose, 15-2.

SATURDAY 9:00 AM Game 1 vs. Moo Disc
The Dartmouth alums had one thing going for them. The honor of playing Psyched 2 years in a row. Our final pool play game had us facing the awesome awesomeness of Stu Downs & Co. in a rematch of last year down to the wire match. For those of you who remember Lars from Yale: he was playing with Dartmouth for some reason and had died his platinum blonde locks to a fire engine red color. Maybe he went there undergrad or something. Our closest game so far, I think the final score was 13-7.

Game 2 vs. Salisbury State
A recalculation of pools had us in with Dartmouth (1-2), Salisbury state (1-2), Phoolmore (0-3) Current college team from the Mid-Atlantic Area. Our best game of the tournament (with the possible exception of Friday Bye #1). In a seesaw battle, Psyched! found itself down 11-9 by the time the time cap blew (it blew all right). Reaching down deep inside and finding something that wasn't there before (that's what he said), Psyched! scores four big ones in a row for its first win of 1999.

Game 3 vs. Bye #1
Beer truck is still there I believe. We lose in a heartbreaker, 1-0.

Game 4 vs. Phoolmore
The long awaited rematch of Psyched! and Philmore, where Psyched! beat the Philly/Baltimore club team in the A Pool finals in 1988. Phoolmore had went 0-3 in hopes that they would be well rested to take us down to the wire and hope against hope for a lucky strike for the win. It was at this point that I figured out why they planned an easter egg hunt, as Phoolmore was sporting kids between the ages of 2 and 16. In the half that counts (the first half), Psyched! explodes to take an 8-7 lead. Second half, different story. In a unprecedented move during halftime, each Phoolmorian popped a double dose of Viagra and Flintstone's Chewable Morphine and managed to sneak a combination Industrial Strength Ex-Lax and muscle relaxers into the Psyched! water supply. Needless to say, Psyched! managed to score one methane-laden point after half and lost not only the game 13-9, but also use of the two closest Johnny-On-The-Spots to super-saturation. Luckily, no one brought matches.

Game 5 vs. Bye #2
We decided to bag and watch Sufferin' Succotash and get some food from the food people that were selling food for money.

Sunday Game 1 vs. Mothers: D Pool Quarterfinals
After going 1-2 in our new pool, we got relegated to the playoffs for the D pool, with a higher seed that Phoolmore due to point differential. Not our mothers, but The Mothers. I think these guys were from the DC area. Anyway, they were all wearing these purple summer dress things (even the women!). In another close game that I don't remember, Psyched pulls it out 12-10.

Game 2 vs. UVA: D Pool Semifinals
This game was pretty much a blowout for Psyched! Final score was something like 15-4. They had 9 guys. We had Blackin. Lots of smacklike talk between Howard and the UVA team.

Game 3 vs. Wood's Hole: D Pool Finals
After we beat them 15-2 to take the D pool championship, I learned from Grossberg and Keith that this was the team that beat Phoolmore in the quarterfinals of the D Pool. The transitive property strikes back! I don't think we could have lost that game if we tried. Phoolmore said the same thing, but they actually tried and proved themselves wrong. I heard that this team was from the area that Doug Swank used to play. We thought about trying to work that into our cheer, but since we only cheered the Mothers the whole weekend, you do the math. Highlight of the final game, Etan "Nate" Gummerman and wife showed up. Picking up right where he left off, Etan jumped in for a couple of points with his new Psyched jersey, a pair of tennis shoes, and a smile and walked away a champion.

Interesting Statistics:
Overall Record of people who played:
All three days: 4-4
Last two days (Boots): 4-2
Last day (Blackin): 3-0
Last game (Etan): 1-0
All three days except the last 2 games (Niko): 2-4

Lesson 1: Show up late
Lesson 2: Be old
Lesson 3: Don't go to Rutgers
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Tomfoolery 1999 Part III

1999 Psyched! @ Fools Memories

Here is a smattering of my Fools memories:

Hector is the only one that didn't get carded when we went to get beer Thursday night. The padre is born.

Jim cutting the proverbial rug on the dance floor at the Fools party (now I know why they call him Pornstar).

Sponsor cutting the proverbial cheese on the way down to Fools, during Fools, and on the way back. He just kept getting stronger.

The passing of a shirt from the oldest alumni (Blackin/Etan) to the youngest (Meju) did not happen. Although, I do have Blackin's Funkengruven shirt which I'll give to Meju as a pseudo-pass.

The wondrous world of playing with your food at Ponderosa, specifically, the blue Jello, rice and chocolate pudding.

MINI CORNDOGS, BABY!

Vic and THE BIG MONTANA on a Sandy beach.

Meju giving in to deliciousness and spurning the Jewish faith to go to town at Arby's.

Punner makes the mistake at 2 AM at Waffle house and says "I'll have what you're having, Tom."

Howard "The One-armed Bandit" being able to do with one hand what most of us can't do with two hands, a jar of vaseline, and Secretariat.

The Most Incredible Display of the Sugar Trick in the History of Everything (Pizza Hut, Fredericksburg, VA, tricker: Babyface Punner, trickee: Hector "Ain't nothin' but a sweet thang" Hernandez). Sponsor redefines huck defense and offense.

That's it. Thanks to Keith for keepin' it real with the jersey design and production. (Back to top.)