I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "I wish I could have all the mystery and allure of a Scotsman, but I'm just not Scottish. What can I do?" Well, dream no longer! Right here on this page is all the training you'll need to become 100% Scotch. That's right! Not everyone has the luck to be born Scottish, but anyone can be Scotch.

Follow these simple steps to Scotchdom:
  1. Buy up as much plaid clothing as possible. Plaid pants for the men or kilt skirts for the women are perfect. If you decide to go for a real kilt, make sure that you get one long enough to reach at least mid-calf. While you're at it, get yourself a big knobby, wooden walking stick.

  2. If you don't own either a scottie dog or a Westhighland terrier get one, and make it wear those little plaid sweaters, preferably the same tartan that you're wearing.

  3. Get three or four bumper stickers with phrases on them like: Up yer Kilt, Honk if you're Scottish, or I brake for bagpipes. Even better are the little silver medallions with a thistle on them.

  4. Check your local paper, and attend every Scottish festival, highland gathering, and bagpipe competition within a 200 mile radius.

  5. Say things like: "Aye, lad/lass" or "Hoot man!" And substitute "wee" for little, small, etc.

  6. Pretend to get misty-eyed when you hear bagpipes, "Auld Lang Syne," or any poem by Robert Burns (pronounced Robbie Bairns).

  7. Get duded up in your plaid clothing and go watch midnight screenings of Braveheart.

After you have completed all of these steps there is only one remaining task: to find and kill a haggis. When you have done this, send me a picture of you enjoying your haggis and I will send you an official Certificate of Scotchdom.

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